Where I Am – Me
June 27th, 2009
I guess it’s about time for an update post from me, since all you’ve gotten from me since I moved to my own domain has been business related. Sorry. It’s consuming most of my life right now. And that’s a good thing! ;o)
So, where I am. Let’s see. I spent the last two or three years in a fairly bad depression. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had too many days where I would cry for hours. That’s not normal. Nor is struggling to do daily tasks. Nor is wanting to cease to exist. Don’t misunderstand… I didn’t want to hurt myself. I just didn’t want to be anymore. Circumstantial, chemical, spiritual… whatever it was, fun it was not.
That combined with my anxiety disorder was just too much. I finally, after fighting it for years, asked my doctor for something to help. She prescribed an SSRI that gave me horrible dyspepsia, so we switched to a different one that also gave me horrible dyspepsia. But I kept taking it anyway, and it eventually started to go away. So did some of the misery. The dyspepsia is actually back, but the depression is not.
I didn’t think it was working, though Dustin thought it was. Then one day I woke up, took a shower, and as I got out of the shower it dawned on me that I felt more emotionally stable than I have in months. Maybe years. Just… steady. Maybe not super happy, but like feel good in your soul stable. Like maybe things aren’t so horrible and maybe I can continue to be. I felt hope for the first time in years. I even had a few giddy days where I was a little hyper and nutty. At first I was worried that I was turning manic or something, but then I remembered… nope, I’m a little hyper and nutty naturally. I had just lost that. I had been drowning under a huge sea of ick. Then that one day came and I got out of the shower, and most of the ick had been washed away.
I still deal with the extreme anxiety. I still have panic attacks when I’m triggered. But I’m dealing with them better at least half of the time. I can’t turn off the record player in my head that’s full of negative thoughts/worries. I’ll have to go to counseling for that (and plan to one of these days), but I feel more calm overall.
So that’s me. That’s where I am. I’ll update you on the adoption in my next post (but don’t get too excited).
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I’m really proud of you Crystal. Most people wouldn’t have the courage to admit some of the things you wrote about yourself. But I think it’s really important that you wrote that public. I would think it feels almost like a release of “stuff”. It allows others to understand you when at times they may have misunderstood you. And I don’t literally mean “you” – I mean this in general about anyone. I think you are such an awesome and good and sweet person. I can’t tell you enough how proud you just made me to read that. I truely love reading your writings.
Your sister for life – Stephanie
I went through the same things when starting my meds. It had been so long since I’d been myself that I’d forgotten who the heck I was!
I’m glad it’s better for you, keep at it!
I am so glad that the meds are helping. I have been there and it is such a relief when you realize the is improvement.
I’m so happy to hear that things are improving for you!
I’m so glad you’re seeing an improvement! Depression is awful and I know how relieving that feeling you described is. Isn’t it funny how it just pops in your head like that? That’s the same thing that happened to me, too.
I’m so thankful things are going in the right direction for you!
I am glad you have noticed improvement
Depression is not fun …I have been there myself and one day realized things weren’t as bad any more…But God will definitly help guide you out of it.
I’m sure this was not a fun post to write but I’m glad you did. I don’t have any personal experience with depression, but so many people do. I’m glad that things are improving and hope they continue to do so.