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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Signs You’re a Mom #1

You laugh instead of cry as you realize your baby has pooped while in his jumperoo and has not only managed to get it all over his butt, but his legs, feet, socks, leg warmers, arms, hands, jumperoo, and the pillow under his feet as well.

You laugh instead of puke as you get poop under your fingernails while you attempt to clean him.

You laugh instead of run away as you decide to cut off the onesie rather than get poop in baby’s tightly curled hair and on his face.

You wash your hands (and his!) five times.

You still love said baby after this most nasty deed.

Just Say No

I was standing in line at the post office earlier this week, and in walked a man with a wee little girl I am going to assume was his daughter. Cute little thing. Young. If I had to guess, I’d say maybe 4. Maybe. They took their place in line right behind me. About a minute later, I hear a conversation that went something like this…

Dad: *annoyed* Your nose is all green. What did you do at school today?!

Girl: *defensive* I didn’t do nothing!

Dad: Well, your nose and fingers are green. You did something.

Girl: *After long pause… shrieks* I was smelling the marker!

Dad: *freaked*  Ooh. No. Don’t do that. You really shouldn’t do that! Smelling markers is bad! It can… it can make you sick! Really sick! Your head will… get all dizzy… and you could pass out! And get really sick! And you could… you could… you could even die!! Don’t do that!

Girl: *defensive* But all my friends were doing it!!

Dad: Still! You shouldn’t do that! It can make you really, really sick!

Girl: *blink, blink*

Dad: You’d have to go to the doctor. And you know how you’re really smart right now?

Girl: U-huh…

Dad: Well, you wouldn’t be smart anymore. You… you wouldn’t be able to walk. Or talk. Or read.

Me: *trying to not bust out laughing*

Dad: You’d be like a baby!! And you could DIE!!!

Girl: *apprehensive* Okay… I won’t do it anymore….

Dad: I mean it!! You could die!!

Girl: OKAY!! I won’t do it!!

Me: *done with business, practically run to car to relay conversation to mom who is waiting*

Me & mom: *laugh butts off*

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at her school the next day.

Little Johnny: *sniffing purple marker* Commmee oonnnnnn, Girl!!! Mmm, so yummy. You know you wanna smell it! Purple! YUM!

Girl: NOOOOO!!!! Dad says you’re gonna turn into a baby and DIEEEEE!!!!

Random kids, innocently playing in corner, sniffing yellow marker: *sniff* *bawl* don’t… wanna… die… waaaaah!!!

Boy, they sure do start young these days. Peer pressure is harsh.

Main Squeeze

I like to buy things for our little furry monsters. I can’t help it, really. They’re the only children we have! I’m quite certain if we ever have real ones, they’ll be spoiled rotten.

A few months ago, I bought some cheap new toys for the fur girls. They used to go through about one a week, but aren’t quite so destructive anymore. Thankfully they take a month or two to dismember most of their chewies these days. I have this bad habit of buying things and then leaving them in the shopping bags on the floor for days, until I get around to remembering to put them away. The new doggie toys were no exception. I shoved the bags into the office and forgot about them.

Around this time, I decided to test leaving the dogs out while I ran errands. Trixie is trustworthy. Molly… not so much. Despite our best efforts, she still likes to think of our office rug as her personal potty from time to time. But she had been doing well lately, so I figured it was worth a shot.

I must admit, I was a little nervous to walk in the door when I returned home. One of them alone is not bad, but the two of them together could probably tear the house apart, small though they are. I put my key in the door and heard:

*sniff, sniff, sniff… snort. Sniff, sniff, sniff… snort.*

That’s Molly. She tries to inhale the door whenever we come home.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the worst. Torn up toilet paper? Garbage strewn about? Urine soaked furniture? Shredded socks? What horrors of doggie life were awaiting me on the other side of that *sniff, sniff, sniff… snort*??

I slowly walked in. Hmm. Everything seems to be in order. No foul smells. Okay, perhaps Miss Snort behaved herself.

It wasn’t until I let them out to potty and watched her as she ran back inside that I found it. Evidence that Miss Molly didn’t quite resist all of her deeply entrenched canine urges. Oh no. She had been in the office and had found what was rightfully hers. I wouldn’t have ever known had she been smart enough to rid her face of the evidence.

squeeze-molly1

squeeze-molly3

squeeze-molly2

I of course followed the sticker’s instructions. You can’t help but love this cute little monster.

Good golly, Miss Molly. You sure can make me laugh.

If it weren’t for my horse…

Favorite Lewis Black bit.

He’s usually got a dirty mouth on him, but this clip is clean.

Jokes.com
Lewis Black – College Horse
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Wobsites & Blags

If You’re Bored…

… or need a giggle… or want to be just slightly disturbed…

… go here.

Item Not As Described

On Google and God

As quoted by stellaloella on Etsy:

Trying to figure out Google is a little bit like trying to determine the will of God on the Internet.

That really made me laugh. How true it is! Only, at least God is usually a little more straightforward…

It’s a Dog’s Life

I get magazines from Jeffer’s Pet Supply once in a while. I even order from them once in a while. Stuff is cheaper from them than from the various big chain pet stores in town and I’ve been very pleased with their service. In fact, except for food, I get most of our pet supplies online. Jeffer’s has some super cheap stuffed dog toys that I stock up on a couple times a year. They’re cheap enough that I didn’t care that our dogs used to go through one every couple of weeks. They last quite a bit longer now as the stinkies have learned the fine art of being lazy. I have taught them well.

I received a new Jeffer’s magazine this week and decided to sit down with it the other night and think about what I need to order soon. The dogs are down to their last fuzzy toy and their hard Nylabone chew toys are old enough that they should probably be taken to some kind of facility that is equipped to deal with hazardous waste.

I flipped through the pages and paused on the ones showing doggy beds because their doggy beds are also a couple years old and though I wash them regularly, they’re starting to look less than appealing. I found a couple of possibilities and then as I turned to the last doggy bed page, I about fainted at what I saw.

Ridiculous Doggy Bed

And by “ridiculous”, I mean what the yahoo is wrong with people?!

A pillow top coil spring bed? A pillow top bed??!? For a dog? And it weighs 70 lbs?! Are you kidding me? Not that I don’t want the best for my pups, but for pete’s sake, that mattress looks nicer than the one on our bed and it costs more than the crib mattress we’ll be buying for our human child.

But heaven forbid the canines don’t get their beauty sleep. Else they’ll look mangey when they go out for a stroll. Doggies take walks in style these days, you know:

Lazy Dog Walker

Or for the more crunchy AP minded doggy parents:

Crazy Mutt Wearer

Just when I thought that dog wearing “for maximum bonding and safety” was the craziest of the crazy (and all my friends know I’m totally a future AP mama – in fact, I’m about to purchase my third… yes third human baby carrier to stock up for our own future human baby wearing experience… emphasis on human – so don’t getcher panties in a wad over that) (and if you think three is a lot, you should talk to my friend Shannon. *giggle*), I found this:

Words Fail Me




Sorry. I just lost a few brain cells thinking about this product. So much so that I actually googled “bottled water for dogs” because, hey, I have nothing productive I should be doing at the moment (and by “nothing” I mean tons) and found this.





Ok, so my dogs are spoiled a little. They usually get Christmas presents. I buy them the foofoo dog treats that look like real cookies from Petco. I also buy them carob doggy candy so they aren’t deprived of the chocolate experience. They get one of the best pet food brands I can find, in a low allergen formula made only from high quality venison and sweet potatoes. I give them filtered water from our fridge thingamabop… but chicken flavored bottled water? I just don’t even really know what to say. Actually, I do. I love my dogs enough that if I were made of money, I would probably spoil them with such frivolous things as pink froufrou strollers and pillow top coil spring mattresses.

But bottled chicken water? Chicken water? I totally draw the line at chicken water. My oldest dog can stare me down with her big, sad eyes and get almost anything she wants, and she drinks plain old water flavored water. With that in mind, I’m secretly convinced that these canine butt lickers all hyped up on chicken water, showered with such insane levels of attention, are just one diamond studded collar away from world domination.

Then we’d all be drinking chicken water and playing fetch.

And that, bloggy friends, is a very scary thing indeed.

Though looking at my mutts all sprawled out on their backs with their feet up in the air and without a care in the world, sleeping like nobody’s business… perhaps a dog’s life wouldn’t be so bad afterall. I mean, they know they’re cute. And some of them are quite talented. Like this one:

How on earth, with such cute things, can there be wars and hate? Maybe if all the meanies in the world were whistled at by this canine cutie, they’d stop being so cold. Can’t you just see the headline?

CUTE WHISTLING PUP HIGH ON CLUCK WATER BRINGS WORLD PEACE


These are the things I think about when I should be asleep. See, this blogging thing can be dangerous. I shall go to bed now before I have guinea pigs saving us from an extra-terrestrial invasion.

Don’t laugh. You never know. Those squeals? They could quite possibly be the exact ear-splitting frequency needed to shatter alien brains.

Only in Texas


Good to know, people. Good to know.


I don’t think I want to know.

Chuck Norris in a Blender

I’ve become a YouTube addict. It’s a little sad.

But you know, if I hadn’t become one, I wouldn’t have found “Will it Blend?”.

This one is my favorite.

This one just about made me laugh and cry all at once.

And this one… well, this one speaks for itself.

This is what happens when Crystal gets the flu, people. It’s not pretty.

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