Archive for February, 2010
I read this quote on a blog today:
“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day, I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”
It spoke to me deeply, as it is so applicable to my life at the moment. For the past couple days, I’ve been really wanting to learn to savor each and every day for the good it brings. Life is so fleeting. Years go by all too quickly. I look back at my nearly-30 years and wonder to myself… what have I accomplished? Have I truly appreciated each moment?
So I ask you… what do you do to make sure you savor each day as though it is the gift it truly is? And looking back… what in your life would you change, given the chance?
Signs you’re a metalsmith:
You visit the bathroom. Out of the corner of your eye you catch the glint of a shiny thing. You bend down to get a closer look at the mystery item. You wonder how that 3/4″ piece of 16 gauge sterling silver wire ended up behind the toilet.
The world may never know.
That is all.
November 2008 is when our home study was completed and we were put into our agency’s pool of families waiting to adopt. If you would have asked us then, we would have told you that we would surely be parents by now. We were naive. Even though they told us to go into it expecting a two year wait, we had no idea WE would actually have to wait this long. No way. Not us. We’re great! People will love us! How could they not? Dustin is incredible, and I’m not too bad. Who wouldn’t pick us?
A lot of people, apparently. There have been several placements in our agency since then. We’ve been in the top three favorites for some, but never the #1. It’s a little hard to not take that personally. I won’t lie… the past 15.5 months have been so much harder than I ever could have imagined. When we finally decided to adopt and signed on with our agency, I was stupid enough to think that the hardest part was over. The pain of infertility and trying to conceive yet failing, and the uncertainty of it all… I naively thought that was the hardest part. Surely it would get easier, knowing that this path has a definite end that will make us happy. Right?
Not so much.
It turns out that there is a whole new set of feelings with this leg of the journey. It’s incredibly hard to keep the faith and not start to doubt the path God put us on. It’s horribly difficult to not question the decisions we’ve made. It’s painfully tough to hold back the anger that wants to creep up towards the One that could put a stop to it all with just a blink or a sigh. But here I am, 15.5 months later… still alive. Still trusting (though barely, at times). Still knowing that there is a happy ending to this story…. someday.
The other families in our group are wonderful too. Just as wonderful if not more so than we are. We all have something wonderful to offer, and each birth mother’s reason for her choice is so individual and so personal and so different. I can’t imagine the gravity of that kind of choice. Where would you even start? But it still hurts, and it still sucks, and it has definitely aided in stripping me of the innocence I once had.
But as hard as the journey is, something amazing has happened along the way. Even though not being chosen hurts, the more time that passes, the more confident I become. A few years ago, I was terrified to be a mom. I had zero confidence in my ability to parent. Now I’m still scared and know I’ll be far from perfect, but I believe in myself and I believe in Dustin. I know we’ll be great parents. Something else has happened too. The more time that passes, the more I realize how much more I’ll enjoy parenthood now than I would have almost 5 years ago when we started this whole ordeal. I don’t think I’ll be able to take one day for granted… not even the bad ones.
Almost 5 years ago, when we first started trying to become parents, I thought we were ready. Not really totally ready (because who ever is, so they say), but ready enough. Almost 5 years later… and 15.5 months into the most frustrating part of this journey, I can truly say I.Am.Ready. Not just ready, but ready. Honestly and truly and completely.
So God? You listening here? Nearly 5 years later and 15.5 months into the adoption, I’m finally really ready!
Bring it on.
my handsome man asked me to marry him. He was halfway around the world, stationed in South Korea. He sent a video proposal and I watched it while on the phone with him. I know that probably sounds odd to you, but to me, it was super creative and great! I love that we will be able to share the memory with our kids someday.
Happy valentine’s day!
Have you ever entertained yourself by blogging in your head while doing a mundane task? Then find when you get the chance to actually sit down and write, the urge has passed, the moment spent? That happens to me a lot.
Somewhere in the confines of my brain, scattered among the silver dust and copper particles, live the most fabulous blog posts. Hidden from the world by just a fleeting moment, my brain keeps them all to itself.