November 2008 is when our home study was completed and we were put into our agency’s pool of families waiting to adopt. If you would have asked us then, we would have told you that we would surely be parents by now. We were naive. Even though they told us to go into it expecting a two year wait, we had no idea WE would actually have to wait this long. No way. Not us. We’re great! People will love us! How could they not? Dustin is incredible, and I’m not too bad. Who wouldn’t pick us?

A lot of people, apparently. There have been several placements in our agency since then. We’ve been in the top three favorites for some, but never the #1. It’s a little hard to not take that personally. I won’t lie… the past 15.5 months have been so much harder than I ever could have imagined. When we finally decided to adopt and signed on with our agency, I was stupid enough to think that the hardest part was over. The pain of infertility and trying to conceive yet failing, and the uncertainty of it all… I naively thought that was the hardest part. Surely it would get easier, knowing that this path has a definite end that will make us happy. Right?

Not so much.

It turns out that there is a whole new set of feelings with this leg of the journey. It’s incredibly hard to keep the faith and not start to doubt the path God put us on. It’s horribly difficult to not question the decisions we’ve made. It’s painfully tough to hold back the anger that wants to creep up towards the One that could put a stop to it all with just a blink or a sigh. But here I am, 15.5 months later… still alive. Still trusting (though barely, at times). Still knowing that there is a happy ending to this story…. someday.

The other families in our group are wonderful too. Just as wonderful if not more so than we are. We all have something wonderful to offer, and each birth mother’s reason for her choice is so individual and so personal and so different. I can’t imagine the gravity of that kind of choice. Where would you even start? But it still hurts, and it still sucks, and it has definitely aided in stripping me of the innocence I once had.

But as hard as the journey is, something amazing has happened along the way. Even though not being chosen hurts, the more time that passes, the more confident I become. A few years ago, I was terrified to be a mom. I had zero confidence in my ability to parent. Now I’m still scared and know I’ll be far from perfect, but I believe in myself and I believe in Dustin. I know we’ll be great parents. Something else has happened too. The more time that passes, the more I realize how much more I’ll enjoy parenthood now than I would have almost 5 years ago when we started this whole ordeal. I don’t think I’ll be able to take one day for granted… not even the bad ones.

Almost 5 years ago, when we first started trying to become parents, I thought we were ready. Not really totally ready (because who ever is, so they say), but ready enough. Almost 5 years later… and 15.5 months into the most frustrating part of this journey, I can truly say I.Am.Ready. Not just ready, but ready. Honestly and truly and completely.

So God? You listening here? Nearly 5 years later and 15.5 months into the adoption, I’m finally really ready!

Bring it on.

*sheepishly* Please?

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